I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
