Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
