Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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