How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
