He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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