This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Even my vagina gasped.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I need moral support for this bender
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Randomize
