Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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