she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
