Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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