Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
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