I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
