My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
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i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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