Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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