my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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