Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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