i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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