her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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