woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
