just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
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Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
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We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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