This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
