We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
