Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Randomize
