Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
