I hate your face
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
