did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
