Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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