Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
