I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
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