Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
