If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
