do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
