I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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