i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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