when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Small penises have feelings too.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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