i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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