the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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