I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
