Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I have aggressive nipples.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
