I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
