Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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