the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
