did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
it's like heaven, but drunker
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
