pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
