I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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