My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
