Bitch is talking to much, howd u ever get her 2 shut up?
It's worth it.
How worth it?
Back door worth it
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
