My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
