and you said cock pushups were impossible
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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