He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
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