God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
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The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
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Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
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