I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I faked an abortion last night.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
