i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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