he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i think i have two assholes
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Randomize
