Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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