I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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