Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
