I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
