fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
